When Life Puts You On Autopilot

Being in graduate school (Class of 2018! Whoo Hoo!), being a single mom, and running a business is a lot for one person. Imagine you’re on the go so much you’re on Autopilot? I feel like my life is on a Hootsuite posting schedule. My content (days) is regulated by importance and the time in which it happens has to be accurate as well. I’m lucky that right now my daughter isn’t old enough for extracurricular activities but that will change this upcoming Fall.

When I’m on autopilot it’s very rare that you’ll see me take time out for myself. I try to make sure that everything is running smoothly before I can even THINK about myself. I know what you’re thinking: You need to have time for yourself! You’re going to burn yourself out. And you’re right I will eventually.

That burn out is happening. I haven’t been able to stop and smell the roses, let alone set aside time for me to decompress. Since the 20th of April I had received the worst news I never wanted to hear: “Grandpa is in the hospital and he’s in ICU!” I didn’t want to believe it and all I wanted was answers. I couldn’t think straight. All I could do was get on Facebook and reach out to my cousins on my dads side to let them know what was going on. My grandfather has 12 other brothers and sisters. One of his sisters (Ruth) passed away a month ago, my younger cousin Bradford was just laid to rest a few weeks ago. 2 weeks ago I had to relay to my family that Saturday they were removing his feeding tube. Being forced to be the strong one I haven’t really been able to cry. I haven’t cried because I have to call so many people between Ohio and Louisiana. I haven’t cried because I’m keeping myself busy because I’m home alone and I don’t have the luxury of a comforting hug or a shoulder to cry on. 

April 29th I had a speaking engagement and I’ve gone back and forth about just not going altogether but I know my grandfather and I can hear him now saying: “Oh baby don’t worry about me! I’ll be ok you take care of you and what you need to do!” As, I type this tears are slowly falling because I have to put on a brave face and step out into the real world and be the person that so many people expect me to be. I have my shortcomings and I’m not perfect.  

Most don’t know that I battle with depression and anxiety. I stay busy to keep the negative thoughts out. If I slow down long enough I begin to dwell on where I should be in life. I dwell on why am I not any further than I should be. But I have a group of encouraging friends who are too far for hugs but tell me that everything will happen in its own time. And that I will be ok and I will make him proud. 

So, I will honor his memory by playing every James Brown song known to man! 

Harry Sidney Truman Battiste Sr. you will always be my in my heart and I will continue to make you proud. Thank you for being there for me and telling me about life, watching all those horror movies, threatening me to clean up my room or I was going to get a whoopin (even though you were on a Navy ship in the Philippines) , eating my potato salad that was horrible because I FORGOT to boil the potatoes (I was like 10), buying me pitbull dogs (Spud was my homie), taking me to the beach even though Unique and I didn’t have swimsuits so you made us skinny dip as kids :), anytime I fell you spit on my scrapes and cuts (wasn’t a small spit it was A HOCKED LOOGIE) *disgusting* and told me to go back outside, always making me ribs because I asked for them. You never told me NO! Anything I wanted that was within your reach you always got it for me. Even though you’re physically gone, your memory will always be alive within me.

Tell the people in your lives that you love them because tomorrow isn’t promised. Even if you don’t know me just know: You are loved and you are appreciated!